All Time Famous Groucho Marx Quotes

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, and singer who performed in film, television, radio, stage, and vaudeville. He was a master of quick wit and is generally considered to have been one of America’s greatest comedians.

He made 13 feature films as a team with his brothers, who performed under the name the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career primarily on radio and television, most notably as the host of the game show You Bet Your Life. His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, spectacles, cigar, and a thick grease paint mustache (later a real mustache) and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows, and a mustache.

Groucho Marx Quotes

1. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
— Groucho Marx

2. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
— Groucho Marx

3. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
— Groucho Marx

4. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”
— Groucho Marx

5. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
— Groucho Marx

6. “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”
— Groucho Marx

7. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
— Groucho Marx

8. “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”
— Groucho Marx

9. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
— Groucho Marx

10. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
— Groucho Marx

11. “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.”
— Groucho Marx

12. “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.”
— Groucho Marx

13. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
— Groucho Marx

14. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
— Groucho Marx

15. “The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.”
— Groucho Marx

16. “There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”
— Groucho Marx

17. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
— Groucho Marx

18. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
— Groucho Marx

19. “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
— Groucho Marx

20. “Whatever it is, I’m against it.”
— Groucho Marx

21. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
— Groucho Marx

22. “What have future generations ever done for us?”
— Groucho Marx

23. “Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”
— Groucho Marx

24. “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
— Groucho Marx

25. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
— Groucho Marx

26. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
— Groucho Marx

27. “Time wounds all heels.”
— Groucho Marx

28. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”
— Groucho Marx

29. “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
— Groucho Marx

30. “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
— Groucho Marx

31. “Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!”
— Groucho Marx

32. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”
— Groucho Marx

33. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.”
— Groucho Marx

34. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
— Groucho Marx

35. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.”
— Groucho Marx

36. “Blood’s not thicker than money.”
— Groucho Marx

37. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
— Groucho Marx

38. “Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in.”
— Groucho Marx

39. “This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.”
— Groucho Marx

40. “Patience is the art of finding something else to do.”
— Groucho Marx

41. “If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”
— Groucho Marx

42. “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”
— Groucho Marx

43. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
— Groucho Marx

44. “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
— Groucho Marx

45. “Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”
— Groucho Marx

46. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
— Groucho Marx

47. “Humor is reason gone mad.”
— Groucho Marx

48. “Be open-minded, but not so open-minded that your brains fall out.”
— Groucho Marx

49. “Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”
— Groucho Marx

50. “If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”
— Groucho Marx

51. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx

52. “The only real laughter comes from despair.”
— Groucho Marx

53. “This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.”
— Groucho Marx

54. “It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.”
— Groucho Marx

55. “Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.”
— Groucho Marx

56. “Hello, I must be going.”
— Groucho Marx

57. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
— Groucho Marx

58. “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”
— Groucho Marx

59. “I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection.”
— Groucho Marx

60. “Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.”
— Groucho Marx

61. “I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.”
— Groucho Marx

62. “Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.”
— Groucho Marx

63. “Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky.”
— Groucho Marx

64. “Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”
— Groucho Marx

65. “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
— Groucho Marx

66. “The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract – Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?”
— Groucho Marx

67. “This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”
— Groucho Marx

68. “My brother thinks he’s a chicken- we don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.”
— Groucho Marx

69. “Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”
— Groucho Marx

70. “I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
— Groucho Marx

71. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
— Groucho Marx

72. “Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”
— Groucho Marx

73. “Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.”
— Groucho Marx

74. “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”
— Groucho Marx

75. “Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.”
— Groucho Marx

76. “The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.”
— Groucho Marx

77. “I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.”
— Groucho Marx

78. “Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.”
— Groucho Marx

79. “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
— Groucho Marx

80. “Groucho: You know I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don’t mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”
— Groucho Marx

81. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
— Groucho Marx

82. “I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.”
— Groucho Marx

83. “Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready-made.”
— Groucho Marx

84. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
— Groucho Marx

85. “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.”
— Groucho Marx

86. “Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.”
— Groucho Marx

87. “Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
— Groucho Marx

88. “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”
— Groucho Marx

89. “All geniuses die young.”
— Groucho Marx

90. “Home is where you hang your head.”
— Groucho Marx

91. “I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove.”
— Groucho Marx

92. “With a little study you’ll go a long way, and I wish you’d start now.”
— Groucho Marx

93. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.”
— Groucho Marx

94. “Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.”
— Groucho Marx

95. “It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.”
— Groucho Marx

96. “I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.”
— Groucho Marx

97. “I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”
— Groucho Marx

98. “If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.”
— Groucho Marx

99. “Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman.”
— Groucho Marx

100. “I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.”
— Groucho Marx

101. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
— Groucho Marx

102. “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”
— Groucho Marx

103. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”
— Groucho Marx

104. “I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.”
— Groucho Marx

105. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”
— Groucho Marx

106. “I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”
— Groucho Marx

107. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”
— Groucho Marx

108. “We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”
— Groucho Marx

109. “Always examine the dice.”
— Groucho Marx

110. “Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while?”
— Groucho Marx

111. “Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”
— Groucho Marx

112. “Today’s Father’s Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.”
— Groucho Marx

113. “If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.”
— Groucho Marx

114. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.”
— Groucho Marx

115. “With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons, and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”
— Groucho Marx

116. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
— Groucho Marx

117. “Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?”
— Groucho Marx

118. “One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”
— Groucho Marx

119. “In America, you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”
— Groucho Marx

120. “I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.”
— Groucho Marx

121. “There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.”
— Groucho Marx

122. “Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.”
— Groucho Marx

123. “Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.”
— Groucho Marx

124. “I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.”
— Groucho Marx

125. “It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.”
— Groucho Marx

126. “I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”
— Groucho Marx

127. “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.”
— Groucho Marx

128. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.”
— Groucho Marx

129. “Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!”
— Groucho Marx

130. “Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added.”
— Groucho Marx

131. “The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.”
— Groucho Marx

132. “You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.”
— Groucho Marx

133. “I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.”
— Groucho Marx

134. “I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.”
— Groucho Marx

135. “You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.”
— Groucho Marx

136. “Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.”
— Groucho Marx

137. “You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”
— Groucho Marx

138. “My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”
— Groucho Marx

139. “Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”
— Groucho Marx

140. “Only if the computers really love each other.”
— Groucho Marx