All Time Famous Lewis Grizzard Quotes

Lewis Grizzard (1946-1994) was an influential American humorist, columnist, and author, celebrated for his witty and humorous reflections on Southern life. Born in Georgia, Grizzard initially worked as a sports writer before gaining fame for his columns in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. His syndicated pieces covered a range of topics, from Southern culture to personal experiences and relationships. Grizzard authored several popular books, such as “Elvis Is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself” and “Don’t Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes.” Despite health challenges, including heart problems, he continued writing until his death at 47 in 1994. Lewis Grizzard’s legacy endures through his humorous and relatable observations of Southern living.

Lewis Grizzard Quotes

1. “The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”
— Lewis Grizzard

2. “In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’.”
— Lewis Grizzard

3. “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.”
— Lewis Grizzard

4. “If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.”
— Lewis Grizzard

5. “Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.”
— Lewis Grizzard

6. “The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”
— Lewis Grizzard

7. “There’s no such thing as being too Southern.”
— Lewis Grizzard

8. “Springtime is the land awakening.”
— Lewis Grizzard

9. “I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.”
— Lewis Grizzard

10. “If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.”
— Lewis Grizzard

11. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.”
— Lewis Grizzard

12. “Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
— Lewis Grizzard

13. “It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”
— Lewis Grizzard

14. “Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.”
— Lewis Grizzard

15. “I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.”
— Lewis Grizzard

16. “The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.”
— Lewis Grizzard

17. “If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.”
— Lewis Grizzard

18. “Let’s all start walking more and driving less.”
— Lewis Grizzard

19. “I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.”
— Lewis Grizzard

20. “I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes – and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.”
— Lewis Grizzard

21. “There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”
— Lewis Grizzard

22. “You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’”
— Lewis Grizzard

23. “God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.”
— Lewis Grizzard

24. “They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.”
— Lewis Grizzard

25. “On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”
— Lewis Grizzard

26. “Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.”
— Lewis Grizzard

27. “Elvis is dead and I don’t feel good for myself.”
— Lewis Grizzard

28. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
— Lewis Grizzard

29. “Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.”
— Lewis Grizzard

30. “I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I’ve been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, ‘Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”
— Lewis Grizzard

31. “Chilli dawgs always bark at night.”
— Lewis Grizzard

32. “A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.”
— Lewis Grizzard

33. “It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.”
— Lewis Grizzard

34. “When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.”
— Lewis Grizzard

35. “I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.”
— Lewis Grizzard

36. “Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?””
— Lewis Grizzard

37. “When my love comes back from the ladies’ room, will I be too old to care?”
— Lewis Grizzard