All Time Famous Woody Allen Quotes

Heywood Allen is an American filmmaker, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. Allen has received many accolades, including the most nominations for the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.

Woody Allen Quotes

1. “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
— Woody Allen

2. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
— Woody Allen

3. “The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”
— Woody Allen

4. “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”
— Woody Allen

5. “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
— Woody Allen

6. “I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”
— Woody Allen

7. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
— Woody Allen

8. “Just showing up is half the battle.”
— Woody Allen

9. “The only love that lasts is unrequited love.”
— Woody Allen

10. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”
— Woody Allen

11. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”
— Woody Allen

12. “If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you’re showing up for.”
— Woody Allen

13. “Life’s hard, then you die.”
— Woody Allen

14. “Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”
— Woody Allen

15. “The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”
— Woody Allen

16. “Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”
— Woody Allen

17. “The heart wants what it wants.”
— Woody Allen

18. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
— Woody Allen

19. “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”
— Woody Allen

20. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
— Woody Allen

21. “Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent out to get you.”
— Woody Allen

22. “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
— Woody Allen

23. “All i have in my life is my imagination.”
— Woody Allen

24. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
— Woody Allen

25. “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”
— Woody Allen

26. “Paranoia is knowing all the facts.”
— Woody Allen

27. “Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”
— Woody Allen

28. “I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”
— Woody Allen

29. “We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let’s hope we make the right choice.”
— Woody Allen

30. “Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.”
— Woody Allen

31. “I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
— Woody Allen

32. “There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
— Woody Allen

33. “Ninety percent of success in life is just showing up.”
— Woody Allen

34. “I never start editing a film until it’s completely shot; I don’t edit along the way, ever. When it’s finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we’re finished.”
— Woody Allen

35. “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”
— Woody Allen

36. “Those who can’t do, teach!”
— Woody Allen

37. “The most important words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign.’”
— Woody Allen

38. “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”
— Woody Allen

39. “Why ruin a good story with the truth?”
— Woody Allen

40. “In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”
— Woody Allen

41. “Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.”
— Woody Allen

42. “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”
— Woody Allen

43. “I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan – I stroke!”
— Woody Allen

44. “Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?”
— Woody Allen

45. “Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”
— Woody Allen

46. “I love the rain – it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”
— Woody Allen

47. “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
— Woody Allen

48. “My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.”
— Woody Allen

49. “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”
— Woody Allen

50. “Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”
— Woody Allen

51. “I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
— Woody Allen

52. “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”
— Woody Allen

53. “I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”
— Woody Allen

54. “God is either cruel or incompetent.”
— Woody Allen

55. “I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”
— Woody Allen

56. “If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”
— Woody Allen

57. “God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”
— Woody Allen

58. “Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”
— Woody Allen

59. “Subjectivity is objective.”
— Woody Allen

60. “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
— Woody Allen

61. “Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”
— Woody Allen

62. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
— Woody Allen

63. “It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o’clock.”
— Woody Allen

64. “There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”
— Woody Allen

65. “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”
— Woody Allen

66. “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
— Woody Allen

67. “I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”
— Woody Allen

68. “Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”
— Woody Allen

69. “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
— Woody Allen

70. “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”
— Woody Allen

71. “We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices…”
— Woody Allen

72. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
— Woody Allen

73. “Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”
— Woody Allen

74. “Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”
— Woody Allen

75. “Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”
— Woody Allen

76. “I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.”
— Woody Allen

77. “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”
— Woody Allen

78. “Marriage is the death of hope.”
— Woody Allen

79. “I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”
— Woody Allen

80. “All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”
— Woody Allen

81. “The best things in life are censored.”
— Woody Allen

82. “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
— Woody Allen

83. “I am two with nature.”
— Woody Allen

84. “I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”
— Woody Allen

85. “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.”
— Woody Allen

86. “She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”
— Woody Allen

87. “If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
— Woody Allen

88. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
— Woody Allen

89. “A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.”
— Woody Allen

90. “See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”
— Woody Allen

91. “Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.”
— Woody Allen

92. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
— Woody Allen

93. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
— Woody Allen

94. “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”
— Woody Allen

95. “And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”
— Woody Allen

96. “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
— Woody Allen

97. “I don’t know what I’m doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.”
— Woody Allen

98. “None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”
— Woody Allen

99. “Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”
— Woody Allen

100. “Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”
— Woody Allen

101. “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.”
— Woody Allen

102. “Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
— Woody Allen

103. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”
— Woody Allen

104. “Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.”
— Woody Allen

105. “Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”
— Woody Allen

106. “Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
— Woody Allen

107. “All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”
— Woody Allen

108. “Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”
— Woody Allen

109. “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
— Woody Allen

110. “My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”
— Woody Allen

111. “I don’t know enough to be incompetent.”
— Woody Allen

112. “My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.”
— Woody Allen

113. “I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”
— Woody Allen

114. “Show business is dog eat dog. It’s worse than dog eat dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.”
— Woody Allen

115. “Your still searching for me in every woman. You’ll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.”
— Woody Allen

116. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”
— Woody Allen

117. “I read in self-defense.”
— Woody Allen

118. “You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.”
— Woody Allen

119. “You know, it’s one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what’s going on.”
— Woody Allen

120. “I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.”
— Woody Allen

121. “Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it’s still the only place where you can get a decent steak.”
— Woody Allen

122. “He’s a politician. That’s a notch below child molester.”
— Woody Allen

123. “Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.”
— Woody Allen

124. “Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.”
— Woody Allen

125. “Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.”
— Woody Allen

126. “In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”
— Woody Allen

127. “Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?”
— Woody Allen

128. “I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.”
— Woody Allen

129. “Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?”
— Woody Allen

130. “When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.”
— Woody Allen

131. “I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”
— Woody Allen

132. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
— Woody Allen

133. “If you aren’t failing every now and then, you’re probably playing it too safe.”
— Woody Allen

134. “I know what I think but I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.”
— Woody Allen

135. “Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!”
— Woody Allen

136. “Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”
— Woody Allen

137. “I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
— Woody Allen

138. “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”
— Woody Allen

139. “I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.”
— Woody Allen

140. “Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”
— Woody Allen

141. “My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.”
— Woody Allen

142. “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
— Woody Allen

143. “Well, trouble’s my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don’t want you spreading that around.”
— Woody Allen

144. “I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.”
— Woody Allen

145. “I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
— Woody Allen

146. “The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
— Woody Allen

147. “When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York.”
— Woody Allen

148. “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?”
— Woody Allen

149. “When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.”
— Woody Allen

150. “The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.”
— Woody Allen