Here are some funny book quotes to lighten your day.
Funny Book Quotes
1. “You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
2. “(If plan KTB kill the bastard) didn’t work, well, gray would resort to Plan B: Operation Oh Sh**”
― Gena Showalter, Jewel of Atlantis
3. “If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri
4. “A book can give you an experience of someone’s life in a few hours, and this is far more profitable than any sale that’s going on.”
― Neeraj Agnihotri, In The Name Of Blasphemy
5. “Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert
6. “The room they had reached served as an impromptu drug-lounge in which a hundred naked addicts engaged in communal sex. One of them drew nearer and spontaneously relieved himself all over Aurora’s shoes.
‘You’re welcome,’ the addict said proudly, buttoning up his soiled jeans and walking away like a champ.
A nearby woman saw the whole thing and smirked. ‘You’re one lucky lady, you know that?’ she smiled toothlessly. The remnants of today’s orgy were still visible in her mouth. ‘I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”
― Louise Blackwick, 5 Stars
7. “For some reason riding a caffeinated dragon just sounded like a monumentally bad idea.”
― A.J. Sky, Starstorm
8. “The wheels were turning in all their heads, but the one with the dead hamster inside spoke first.”
― Aron Beauregard, Playground
9. “And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally
lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that
Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill.
And if you’re just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence.”
― Philip Rivera, Suburban Luchador: Memoirs From Suburbia
10. “Holy hell, did she love her a good dimple. And this one was deadly.
She needed to get him to stop smiling. Now.”
― Jami Gold, Ironclad Devotion
11. “It was if the devil himself had devised the perfect earthly torture for Lady Alicia Lawrence. “Now how will I occupy myself when I get to hell?”
― Celeste Bradley, Seducing the Spy
12. “Erroh has a plan. A simple plan. It’ll never work.”
― Robert J. Power, Spark City
13. “Self-identify your gender? Why not self-identify your species, too? I’m a dog now.”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert
14. “Something fell and George was off, barking like a mad dog. What if whoever is back there hurts him?
Oh. My. Goodness. If I do die, I can do so happily now. That man’s eyes were so blue—and I swore they changed color.
“I made a huge mistake,” Jake said as he took the leash off of George. “I said p-i-z-z-a out loud. And he took off at a fast jog all the way back here from the park right through Ms. Helen’s sprinklers down the street.”
And then nothing…no words entered my brain. I sniffed and quickly nodded, like I was about to cry. “Okay. Right. Amen.”
Then I forced myself to slow down and not run back to my seat.”
― Candace Havens, A Case for the Yarn Maker
15. “Greg turned around, shooting laser beams though the most disappointing sperm he’d ever unleashed.”
― Aron Beauregard, Playground
16. “She wasn’t impressed with either his determination or the muscles rippling under his T-shirt. At all.
She was also a liar. (Elaina)”
― Jami Gold, Treasured Claim
17. “She took a step toward him. “You? Mr. Sexy Ass Bad Boy Extraordinaire. A virgin. And you expect me to believe that?”
― Jami Gold, Pure Sacrifice
18. “Leon went to show his Coven insignia to prove he was a member but had a wicked thought slither into his brain. A wildly crazy smile coiled on his lips as he skillfully kept the silver emblem from sight. He thumbed back at the door. “You know how girls are. Make one joke about the size of their thighs, and it’s out the door with you.”
― Nia Rose, Spellbound & Hellhounds
19. “Everything I touched seemed to be cursed—the next person who came in contact with that sunbed probably contracted HIV and died of a stubbed toe.”
― Bing Fraser, Unprotected Treks: The Politically Incorrect Blueprint for World Travel
20. “We would love it if you would join us for lunch to discuss amputations! We love amputations. And firefighters at MetroGen. Anyone else coming?
Cassie inviting firefighters to join the bachelorette party for lunch.”
― Carina Alyce, Roulette
21. “I was in no position to make decisions. But something inside of me screamed to live my life and I was pretty sure it was the alcohol.”
― Laura C. Reden, The Kindred Soul of Nora Faye
22. “Maybe winging it with this spy stuff hadn’t been such a good idea.”
― A.J. Sky, Firestorm
23. “I knew it would take more than a bomb to get rid of you.”
― A.J. Sky, Firestorm
24. “Oh, calm down, Olivia, I’m not asking for one of your kidneys. I just need to borrow one of Greg’s Magnum P.I. thingies.”
― Tiffany Ryan, Crazed and Confused: A Delightfully Dysfunctional Familial Memoir
25. “Alright, alright. You’re the driver,” He raised his chip bag in toast, “My life is in your hands.”
― Finn Eccleston, The Community
26. “That’s him,” said Berthold. “Cut my arm off. With an ax”
Sneep turned to Jinx. “That true?”
“Yes,” said Jinx. “But he–”
“Guilty,” said Sneep.”
― Sage Blackwood, Jinx’s Fire
27. “Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you all have never been to Doveport? Our sister city across the sea?” “People don’t say that,” Billy piped up. “It’ll catch on,” Badgy shot back.”
― Terrance Crawford, Piggy: The Cure: An AFK Book
28. “Swear like a good girl. Son of a Hamster!”
― Giulia Lagomarsino, Sean
29. “It’s all kinds of stupidly amazing,” she adds. “Tell me you don’t want to just get in there and rub yourself all over him like a cat?”
I smack her shoulder. “Dude, ew, okay? He’s like a brother to me!”
She snorts back a laugh. “Like a step-brother? Becausr that’s not technically incest.”
― A.L. Russell, Maybe Probably: Perfectly Imperfect Series Book One
30. “The Lourve, he concluded, with an insult designed to puncture French pride, “is less well protected than a Spanish museum.”
― Nicholas Day
31. “Dogs are angels full of poop.”
― Oliver Gaspirtz, Pet Humor!
32. “Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it’s romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that’s really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.”
― Oliver Markus, Why Men And Women Can’t Be Friends
33. “…but Tact and Sensitivity were not Gobber’s strong points, and he took the first five minutes to come up with “Hiccup copped it. SORRY,” and the spent the second five minutes tearing his beard out.”
― Cressida Cowell
34. “You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they’ve never seen horror movies. They don’t know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.”
― Carrie Vaughn, Kitty’s House of Horrors
35. “What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.”
― Emilyann Girdner, The Labyrinth Wall
36. “Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I’d have one fucked up garden if that were the case.”
― Carla H. Krueger
37. “Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty pie hole.”
― Cristin Harber, Savage Secrets
38. “Ah, like how Sharon Parker’s bra kind of found its way into your locker?”
He leaned in, resting his elbows on the table. “Are you going to constantly bring these things up the entire time we’re dating?”
“Sorry. Just using my prior knowledge to try and gauge what kind of fake boyfriend you’re going to make.”
“Well, if your bitterness is any indication of the kind of fake girlfriend you’re going to be, I won’t hold my breath for you to fake put out.”
― Jennifer Shirk, Wedding Date for Hire
39. “Sadly for you, I think I’m going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I’ve already lost enough sense. Can’t afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It’s hard enough to pronounce.” Nick
“well, poo. Not poo that you’ll live, ’cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I’ll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm.” Simi”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Instinct
40. “Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
41. “Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults
42. “Chuck Norris CAN understand women.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes And Facts: The Best And Funniest Kick-ass Facts About Roughest, Toughest, Deadliest, Sexiest & The Most Fearless … The Legend
43. “There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up.”
― R.R. Virdi, Grave Beginnings
44. “You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?”
“Maybe my next case…”
― R.R. Virdi, Grave Beginnings
45. “Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
46. “Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
47. “Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
48. “If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults – Uncensored edition
49. “Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults – Uncensored edition
50. “What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?
-About 20 pounds.
-Yo mama carries more passengers.
-Not everyone’s been on a 747.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
51. “Church’s boss was a dick too–justice!”
― R.R. Virdi, Grave Beginnings
52. “My bosses would be beyond pissed if tomorrow’s New York Times read: “Solid gold tiger eats stupid couple who were taking photos of it with their camera phone.”
― R.R. Virdi, Grave Beginnings
53. “Sean was stung. “I do not fuck everything that has a pulse,” he said haughtily. “I have my standards. I limit myself to endoskeletal organisms. I always go for vertebrates. And I dont’t do reptiles. Ever.”
― Shannon McKenna, Edge of Midnight
54. “Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she’s upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT.
Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother’s?
Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control.
Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you)
Me: BITCH.(love you too)”
― J. Daniels
55. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I fell out a burning building onto pavement, you?” I grumbled.
“Like I was pushed out of a burning building by a maniac,” she retorted, a small smile playing across her face.”
― R.R. Virdi, Grave Beginnings
56. “Roaches should never trust humans. We’re all doomed.”
― La Tisha Honor
57. “Oh no?” he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. “Knowing what you’re like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would’ve been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he’d taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else.”
― Tim O’Rourke, Vampire Wake
58. “Are you in pain?”
I rolled my eyes. Good news was that Apollo must’ve had a little talk with Hermes. “No, but you’re a pain in my ass. Does that count?”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opposition
59. “Are you prepared?” she asked when the other Valkyries had their passengers in place.
“Sure,” Matt said. “But we could use a soundtrack this time. Maybe a little Wagner. Da-da-da DUM dum.”
Hildar looked back at hiim blankly.
“Wagner? Ride of the Valkyries? Da-da-da…Er, never mind.”
“Oh!” Baldwin said. “I know that one!”
“Don’t feed the geek,” Fen muttered.
“Hey,” Matt said. “I’m not a-”
“Oh, yeah, you are, Thorsen. You really are,” Fen said in a voice that might have been teasing.”
― M.A. Marr, Odin’s Ravens
60. “His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger
61. “Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?”
― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale
62. “If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger
63. “Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.”
― G.G. Silverman, Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress
64. “The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,’ the inventor said. ‘The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.”
― Mark Jackman, There’s Something About Dying
65. “Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.”
― Mark Jackman, Shadow of the Badger
66. “Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast,
it’s no good living in the fucking past.”
― Mark Jackman, There’s Something About Dying
67. “My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone,” Reverend Jones said. “Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.”
― Mark Jackman, There’s Something About Dying
68. “Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes And Facts: The Best And Funniest Kick-ass Facts About Roughest, Toughest, Deadliest, Sexiest & The Most Fearless … The Legend
69. “Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
70. “Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
71. “When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
72. “Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
73. “Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
74. “Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
75. “My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone,” Revernd Jones said. “Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.”
― Mark Jackman, There’s Something About Dying
76. “For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed
77. “Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.”
― Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World’s Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
